Trust Him

Lately i've been reminded that life never goes your way, but always our Father's way. Life is stressful, hard, and discouraging. Life is frustrating, and misleading. One thing i've learned, is that the Lord always leads it towards him, if you just grasp onto his hand and let him take you with Him.

About a week ago, cancer took my sweet Aunt Shannon's body. This woman is amazing, let me tell you, and her life has not had its shortages in trials. As i've had my personal trials lately (details to come), i catch myself thinking back to my aunt, and how i can't possibly think of a time when she didn't have a smile on that beautiful face of hers. At her funeral today, it was made even more apparent just how truly remarkable she was. I think what i admire most about her, is the fact that Kevin, her 18 year old son, has Cerebral Palsy, and she treasures him more than gold. As her brother shared sweet things about Shannon, he mentioned Shannon and Kevin's meeting in the after life, when Kevin will simply hug her, pick her up in his arms, and say i love you mom, thank you. It was about then when my step mom walked in with my sweet Dallan. I turned to him, listening to Shannon's brothers words about Kevin, and as i sat feeling the spirit so strong, i started crying just picturing the day that Dallan will be able to hold me instead, and tell me how much he loves me. When Dallan finally saw me at this point, it took him a minute to recognize me,  he started smiling and signed "i love you".  words cannot explain how much that moment means to me, and how much that one moment has made the years of sacrificing little things to take care of him, all worth it. i love you dallan jacob and i cannot wait to meet YOU as an even more perfect spirit and human being. im pretty convinced he's going to look like me (since im the odd ball looking like no one in my family), he'll have only thee coolest dance moves (any time music is on, he goes straight to the source and jams out.. so cute) and he'll probably be a tad bit over weight since lets get real, his size may fool you but this kid can eat more than anyone i know. Dallan, Shannon, and Kevin, i can't wait for our meeting all together in heaven someday.

Soooo for the stressers in life. American Heritage. We have a love hate relationship. I'm not going to go into details, but needless to say when i got the news that my paper was being accused of plagiarism, i wanted to cry (let me assure you, it is NOT. this is why im so frustrated.) I have a B in that class, and if they make me take it again for false accusations on their part, my life will probably be ruined for a few seconds. Stresser #2. I have had the flu/ having a lack of gall bladder makes me throw up super easy, no joke for over a week and a half. That in itself gets real annoying, and real discouraging. It's hard not to lose faith and have fear, especially when the big F word (finals, ew) are in just a short few days. On Wednesday, i was especially discouraged and especially weak, so i got to my knee's and asked the Lord to send someone my way, and that is when my sweet Mel Bell (pictured right) sent me a text simply saying "Hey Beautiful, I love you". I texted her back saying thank you so much, i needed that, and she replied with an email of a poem that i want to share.

Wait

by Russell Kelfer 

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried; 

Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied. 

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . . 

And the Master so gently said, "Wait." 

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply. 

"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word. 

"My future and all to which I relate 

Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait? 

I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign, 

Or even a 'no' to which I can resign. 

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe, 

We need but to ask, and we shall receive. 

And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:

I'm weary of asking! I need a reply." 

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate, 

As my Master replied again, "Wait." 

So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut, 

And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?" 

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . . 

and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign. 

I could shake the heavens and darken the sun. 

I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be. 

You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me. 

You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint. 

You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;

You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.

You'd not know the joy of resting in Me

When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love

When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.

You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,

But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,

The faith that I give when you walk without sight.

The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask

From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.

Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,

But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.

And though oft My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

and with that, meet grant robert jones. i claim his as my best friend

even if he doesn't do the same.

Right after i finished that poem, i went straight to my phone and asked grant for a blessing. I'm not going to share everything in the blessing, because it is something so sacred and dear to me, but the first thing he said was that MY Lord wanted me to know that he loved me. He wanted me to know that my health will not affect my schooling, and to know just that simple reassurance warmed me. I know i should know this by now, but i had to re learn right there to always trust the Lord, because even if everything in our eyes is going wrong, eternally, it's not as long as we do our

 part. 


I think it's time that i realize to give up on planning my life. Sure, we can and should all have hopes and ambitions and wants and goals, but most importantly, what we should have is trust. Trust HIM. Trust your brother, who sacrificed so much for you. Trust him to know that your life has a plan, that the plan is perfect, even if the details to getting there aren't. Trust Him when you feel like every  single trial has been placed upon your plate, to know that these are only in your life to make you BETTER, not bring you down. Trust Him, when you aren't receiving answers, and know that patience is required, and a plan is waiting. Trust Him, and i know life will be more than OK, it'll be absent of any flaws, it'll be beautiful, and it'll be perfect for you. 

http://thewridefamily.blogspot.com/2011/11/life-lessons-by-shannon.html

Lesson #3

Let me tell you about a man i love. A man so humble, he simply chose to go by Father. Though he doesn't walk with me here on earth, he places people in my path to carry me through the tough times.

Today in my strengthening marriage and family class (i know what you're all thinking... NO i'm not anxious to get married) we talked about the role of a father. The role of a father is to preside, provide, AND protect. The role of a father is vital. The role of a father is sacred. The role of a father is necessary, especially to his daughter.

This topic is always so sensitive to my spirit, and yeah i'll admit i usually end up walking out on these discussions, but as i sat teary eyed and broken hearted, i prayed to know if this lesson had something to offer me, something that would mend my broken heart. I decided right then to pour out my spirit so that the holy ghost could fill my heart with what needed to be in it, and not what i thought should or would fix it. As i listened to all the things a father should be, what a father's relationship does for his daughter, and the detriments of not having a father in ones life, i recognized how blessed i am. Sure i wish things were different, but because of how things are now, i take claim and have gotten close to many dads. Most importantly though, it has enabled me to get closer to the one Father i need most. My Heavenly Father. Through my trials, instead of turning to my earthly father for comfort, i've always gone straight to my Heavenly Father. I know he loves me. I know i am one of HIS choice daughters, because i have felt it and been blessed to know it for a fact by all the trials and blessings he has sent my way to refine me and make me stronger and better and one step closer to Him. I'll take all the trials in the world, just to be closer to Him. I think back to Jesus' Atonement. Never once did He ask "what's in it for me?" and boy am i glad he didn't, otherwise there would be no redemption and no way back to my loving Father. He could have walked away from this. He could have been selfish in a time where anyone of this earth would have been. But he didnt, and he wasn't because he is our Christ. He went through with the pain and bleeding of every pore because he cared about me personally.

I've been a little down lately here at the great BYU. I felt inadequate. I felt like nothing sets me apart from all the amazing individuals. I felt like i couldn't handle all the pressure of being here with a back as bad as mine. On the days where my throwing up gets bad, i felt hopeless and discouraged. But then i remember the advice i gave my own friend on his mission who has been struggling with similar feelings. Our Father places us in situations we feel like we don't measure up to so that we can work up to that and grow. He places us in situations where we are tried so hard that we want to give up, but knows we wont and that we'll face the trial with faith. When we are comfortable, there is absolutely no room for growth. It's when we're thrown into muddy puddles that challenge us to get up, brush off our knee's, cleanse our souls and serve. Serve until we lose ourselves, because we don't want the old us. We want to find the new individual who is one step closer to our Father, and one step closer to earthly perfection. 

I stayed in class today because my Father needed me to learn something. He needed me to reflect on my trials and ask myself where my priorities are. He needed me to ask myself where my heart is. And he needed me to put my heart in the right place. My heart is with my Savior, and my Father in Heaven. When a trial comes, i'll give Him my heart, mind, and my soul and ask Him to fill it up with what feelings and knowledge i need to learn. I'll turn to others who are less fortunate then i am, and humbly help them become better. As i lift others, i know i will be lifted and that's ultimately why i am here. To be lifted up little by little until i see my Father's hands, with my name printed in them, outstretched for ME to lift me all the way into his harms. I cannot wait for that day. 

I am so grateful to be at a university that helps me reflect on being better, and helps me remember that my life is so beautiful. I am so grateful to be at peace right now with where i am in my life. I am so grateful for the people i associate myself with who build me up and make me want to be better. I am grateful for my sweet Dallan who may still be in Aizona, but whose spirit is always close to my heart when i need him most. I am grateful for my family who has been by my side with every struggle to ease my pain. And last, i am so grateful for all the father's who claim me as their daughter, taught me, and have given me a piece of their heart to always carry with me.

My mama told me that when someone touches your life, you should always write down the memories and feelings, because the feelings never go away,they just simply get pushed to the side by events in our lives. Let me tell ya about someone who's touched my life tremendously. I met him in October, DAYS before my 18th birthday when him and his friends pulled up to me and my friends while ordering in the drive thru at you guessed it... Filibertos. I didn't really get to know him until December, but that doesnt mean he taught me any less than he should have.  Looking back at my senior year, i couldn't picture it without this fella. Memories with him are countless and he truely became a great comfort to me and an answer to my prayers without him even realizing. My brothers are honestly my life, and since my dad isn't the greatest influence on them and in our lives much, i kept praying someone would come into their lives to teach them how they need to prepare for a mission. At the same time, this guy was preparing for his mission, and couldnt have been a better examplar tthem through his courage, strength, independence, faith, and love for others.


One way he personally helped me was showing me that i deserve more than some rotten scum bag. I've always struggled trusting guys, ever since my dad. I figured all guys were the same. They'll suck you in, get you to trust them and love them, then walk away. He was different. I never struggled trusting him, which was weird.. He was someone i knew i could rely on, and someone i knew was sincere in all things he did in his life. Heavenly Father knew just what i needed in my life at the time we crossed paths. He knew i needed someone to prepare me for my future companion. He knew i needed someone to teach me that i can trust. Most of all, he knew i needed someone to raise the bar for whoever i marry, and that i shouldnt settle for anyone less than what i saw in who the Lord sent to teach me.


I think my favorite quality about him is his sweet ability to love, and have people love him back. His love is purely a Christlike love and nothing less. I remember Valentines Day, we went out to dinner, and he said something to me that'll never leave my heart... "Whenever i'm having a hard day, i like to think of Dallan, or just go sit with him. He has the toughest trial, but he's so happy and content with little things and loves life." I basically wanted to fall in love right then and there, cause if you know me, you know Dallan Jacob  has my whole heart and for anyone to appreciate Dallan as much as i do... well lets just say it brings me to tears.


Another thing he has taught me is that i need to love the people i serve, no matter how rude, ungrateful, gross, weird, different, or selfish someone is ESPECIALLY on the days where the last thing i want to do is serve someone else. Recently, I could always tell the days when he had been out serving. He was just genuinely happier. Simple as that.


Last night was bitter sweet saying bye to him. He'll always be a great friend to me, and someone i admire. I can't even imagine the growth he's going to have as he goes and serves the Lord's people on his mission and i dont doubt he already loves the people there. I am SO grateful to have had a friend like him in my life, and feel SO blessed to see the reasons why he was placed in my life, at this very time.


I think the most important lesson he's helped me learn is to be grateful. Grateful for trials, grateful for friendships, grateful for family, and most important, grateful for opportunities to grow from the people in our paths and be blessed.

“A friend is one with whom you are comfortable, to whom you are loyal, through whom you are blessed, and for whom you are grateful.” -Arthur Ward

Patience

April 2 is a day thats left prints in my soul. Not only because yes, it was conference and who doesn't love being spiritualy uplifted, but because it was the start to a very long, and ongoing journey. On April 18th, i was admitted into the hospital and left 5 days later with no answers. Countless prayers came my way, and trust me, i felt them all by how much peace i had felt through each test i pursued. I was miserable, but yet at the same time felt so much peace and love, and knew everything was alright. I kept asking myself, what do i need to learn from this? Why am i going through yet another difficult trial? Sureee your all thinking come on chels.. Throwing up whatever you eat is definately great for loosing weight but trust me on this one ladies. it. gets. old. Needless to say, after 5 weeks of no answers, and 4 doctors saying they think its a psychological issue i got pretty discouraged and lost sight of hope for the future. What ifs started rolling around. What if i can't graduate because i'm missing so much school. What if i can't go to BYU this summer for the time of my life. What if i do go to BYU this summer and throw up every 5 seconds in class. What if i am crazy and it is in my head. We decided to try one last test on my gall bladder before giving up and claiming i have mental issues and monday bright and early i went in for a pretty lengthy test. My tech guy kept telling me "Chels, i can tell your a tough girl. But this last test is going to be a rough one. I'm talking child birth and kidney stones rough. You're going to want to curl up in a ball, but its super important to hold still. You're going to feel nauseated beyond belief, but i promise it'll only last ten minutes." Prayers are a beautiful thing at a time like this, let me tell ya. After it was over, i went straight to school. During seminary, my teacher asked me how the results were and i told him i wouldnt know for another 2 hours. Not ten seconds later did i get a text from my beautiful mother, saying "Your test was abnormal! It's your gall bladder!" Relief burned my soul. Did i really just get my answer? I'm really not crazy? I looked over at my teacher with tears in my eyes, SO grateful for this trial, and SO grateful for an answer. And of course being a girl i spent the next hour crying tears of happiness, with the fullest heart possible. I got a blessing that night from the dad i claim, Gregg Scoresby. He blessed me with the most beautiful things and left me knowing the lesson i needed to learn. Patience. Through trials, we obtain patience.  "For you have need of steadfast patience and endurance, so that you may perform and fully accomplish the will of God, and thus receive and carry away [and enjoy to the full] what is promised". Hebrews 10: 36. I know the Lord will bless me because of the patience i've had to bear. I know patience is greatly needed in my life. I don't know how my life will be in twenty years, but i know through this trial he will bless me with something that will require the patience i have obtained through this fork in my road. I still have to face surgery and the struggles that it'll bring physically and emotionally, but i mean come on. I have rods in my back remember? This is nothing i can't handle. Life is beautiful guys. Remember that.