Lately i've been reminded that life never goes your way, but always our Father's way. Life is stressful, hard, and discouraging. Life is frustrating, and misleading. One thing i've learned, is that the Lord always leads it towards him, if you just grasp onto his hand and let him take you with Him.
About a week ago, cancer took my sweet Aunt Shannon's body. This woman is amazing, let me tell you, and her life has not had its shortages in trials. As i've had my personal trials lately (details to come), i catch myself thinking back to my aunt, and how i can't possibly think of a time when she didn't have a smile on that beautiful face of hers. At her funeral today, it was made even more apparent just how truly remarkable she was. I think what i admire most about her, is the fact that Kevin, her 18 year old son, has Cerebral Palsy, and she treasures him more than gold. As her brother shared sweet things about Shannon, he mentioned Shannon and Kevin's meeting in the after life, when Kevin will simply hug her, pick her up in his arms, and say i love you mom, thank you. It was about then when my step mom walked in with my sweet Dallan. I turned to him, listening to Shannon's brothers words about Kevin, and as i sat feeling the spirit so strong, i started crying just picturing the day that Dallan will be able to hold me instead, and tell me how much he loves me. When Dallan finally saw me at this point, it took him a minute to recognize me, he started smiling and signed "i love you". words cannot explain how much that moment means to me, and how much that one moment has made the years of sacrificing little things to take care of him, all worth it. i love you dallan jacob and i cannot wait to meet YOU as an even more perfect spirit and human being. im pretty convinced he's going to look like me (since im the odd ball looking like no one in my family), he'll have only thee coolest dance moves (any time music is on, he goes straight to the source and jams out.. so cute) and he'll probably be a tad bit over weight since lets get real, his size may fool you but this kid can eat more than anyone i know. Dallan, Shannon, and Kevin, i can't wait for our meeting all together in heaven someday.
Soooo for the stressers in life. American Heritage. We have a love hate relationship. I'm not going to go into details, but needless to say when i got the news that my paper was being accused of plagiarism, i wanted to cry (let me assure you, it is NOT. this is why im so frustrated.) I have a B in that class, and if they make me take it again for false accusations on their part, my life will probably be ruined for a few seconds. Stresser #2. I have had the flu/ having a lack of gall bladder makes me throw up super easy, no joke for over a week and a half. That in itself gets real annoying, and real discouraging. It's hard not to lose faith and have fear, especially when the big F word (finals, ew) are in just a short few days. On Wednesday, i was especially discouraged and especially weak, so i got to my knee's and asked the Lord to send someone my way, and that is when my sweet Mel Bell (pictured right) sent me a text simply saying "Hey Beautiful, I love you". I texted her back saying thank you so much, i needed that, and she replied with an email of a poem that i want to share.
Wait
by Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
and with that, meet grant robert jones. i claim his as my best friend
even if he doesn't do the same.
Right after i finished that poem, i went straight to my phone and asked grant for a blessing. I'm not going to share everything in the blessing, because it is something so sacred and dear to me, but the first thing he said was that MY Lord wanted me to know that he loved me. He wanted me to know that my health will not affect my schooling, and to know just that simple reassurance warmed me. I know i should know this by now, but i had to re learn right there to always trust the Lord, because even if everything in our eyes is going wrong, eternally, it's not as long as we do our
part.
I think it's time that i realize to give up on planning my life. Sure, we can and should all have hopes and ambitions and wants and goals, but most importantly, what we should have is trust. Trust HIM. Trust your brother, who sacrificed so much for you. Trust him to know that your life has a plan, that the plan is perfect, even if the details to getting there aren't. Trust Him when you feel like every single trial has been placed upon your plate, to know that these are only in your life to make you BETTER, not bring you down. Trust Him, when you aren't receiving answers, and know that patience is required, and a plan is waiting. Trust Him, and i know life will be more than OK, it'll be absent of any flaws, it'll be beautiful, and it'll be perfect for you.
I think it's time that i realize to give up on planning my life. Sure, we can and should all have hopes and ambitions and wants and goals, but most importantly, what we should have is trust. Trust HIM. Trust your brother, who sacrificed so much for you. Trust him to know that your life has a plan, that the plan is perfect, even if the details to getting there aren't. Trust Him when you feel like every single trial has been placed upon your plate, to know that these are only in your life to make you BETTER, not bring you down. Trust Him, when you aren't receiving answers, and know that patience is required, and a plan is waiting. Trust Him, and i know life will be more than OK, it'll be absent of any flaws, it'll be beautiful, and it'll be perfect for you.
