3 years, 8 months, and 9 days.

1348 days.

That's how long i've been "titanium woman"... also known as tit girl (HS can be so cruel...)

i mean dang, those are in my back?

my first surgeon wast pretty impressed with his cutting skills.

 foot and a half beauty right there.

my little angel.

If you're reading this, chances are you know me, and you know the story of what happened on August 19, 2008. You probably know that this has been one painful trial for me, all 1348 days. But what you don't know is that the emotional pain has surpassed the physical on many occasions. 

For years i have been praying, praying my heart out, and pleading with my Father to know what i need to be doing in my life, to help with the pain. i'm pretty good at masking it, and i'm pretty good at pretending like it doesn't effect me emotionally sometimes, but let me break down right now and tell you the truth.

There is not a moment when i don't feel pain.

& 

if anyone knows back pain, they know that this pain effects everything... especially when you are fused and rodded in EIGHT vertebrae. If you can touch your knee's, if you can put shoes on without having to sit down, i have one thing to say to you. Don't take that for granted. It's like i'm permanently preggo without the belly kinda feeling (not that'd i'd really know what being preggo is like...) and boy do you learn who your best friends are if they are willing to stop what they are doing to put your shoes on or tie them for you in the middle of campus *shoutout to my homegirl B. Udall!

what it all comes to, is 

never. take. simple. things. in. life. for. granted.

i learned that one that one a hard way.

but i also learned it's not about what you cannot do. it's about what you can do. 

and boy can i pray.

It has taken me 1348 days of praying my heart out to make the decision and learn what i did just this past month. 

& 

here's my story of how i got to where i am today, less than TWO days away from getting my rods and hooks out.

After praying a few years back and getting much counsel from numerous people, i decided to get a second opinion on my back as to why i am still in such great pain. i saw doctor after doctor, did physical therapy for a total of almost 2 years, got injections in my back, but the timing just didn't feel right.

 the answer, was no. 

so i continued on with my happy little high-schooler life until the second semester of my senior year, when i started throwing up everything i ate or drank for a month without answers (refer to prior posts if you want that story!) 

now timeout real quick, im a FIRM believer in everything happens for a reason, and while i know the whole throwing up thing and being hospitalized for a week with still no answers taught me patience, and to rely on and trust my savior and father, i also believe it was because it led me to a certain doctor, who planted the idea it was my gall bladder, did the surgery to remove it, and has taken me in with all of my ridiculous health problems,

including my back.

(now tell me this isn't a cool 

pic of my  gall bladder & rods)

on one of my checkups i had been particularly discouraged because i felt like the pain in my back was getting to a point where things needed to change, or i wouldn't be able to perform my best in school or be the kind of mom i want to be. he referred me to one of his friends, and within a couple weeks i was in Dr. Reichman's office with literally 5 lbs of mri reports and xrays. i walked into Dr. R's office and started describing my pain to him. He asked if things such as doing dishes, vacuuming, and lifting little things brings on more pain and without hesitation i beamed and said YES! he stopped me right there as he started thumbing in one of his drawers, only to pull out crinkled up yellow notebook papers. he continued to tell me that what it is, is mechanical pain, and that on these pieces of paper was a list of about 30 patients he had taken rods out of, and based on a check system of 0 checks being no progress and 3 being the most, he showed me how many patients have had improvement with their pain. as i listened to his words, and looked over the paper, peace warmed my heart. i walked out of his office, with the confidence that this was the next step in my healing process, and Dr. R was my guy to help me get there. I walked straight up to the scheduling seat, and that was that. April 30th, i would be back in Utah Valley hospital's O.R. for the second time in a year, to get the rods and hooks out of my back.

 it didn't take long for the doubt to come, and it came on strong. i felt like i was making a big mistake, and that this would only be a waste of my time. i couldnt differentiate if it was satan trying to sway me into  making a decision that wasn't best for me, or if it was the holy ghost trying to help me realize God's plan changed. i prayed my heart out that day, and the next day my mom called with bad news. the hospital i was to have it at was out of network, so they switched me to timpanogos, pushed back the date, and switched doctors. i was absolutely heartbroken, and thought maybe this really is gods way of telling me now is not the time again. I decided to get a blessing from a couple of my friends, and the next day prayed my heart out and fasted. i had a HUGE paper due that day, so as i left my morning class i started walking to the library and was almost there until i was prompted to go to the Mckay building. Even though this is my Major's building, this building was completely foreign to me, so i didn't know why i had the prompting, but i followed it. (now for a short editorial insert... just as i believe a certain doctor was placed in my life for a reason, a missionary i have been writing had told me to randomly get to know one of his friends up at BYU... so i reached out to him and boy this guy was exactly who i needed.) i walked until i found a place to settle for the next 3 hours to write a paper, and looked up to see Creed's face smiling over my way, sweating from conquering the infamous RB stairs moments before. after his class was over, he came and sat with me for a good hour or so, and i couldn't help but feel the spirit so strongly as we spoke. he didn't know the trial i was internally facing, he didn't know i was fasting, and as he said goodbye and left, he didn't know he had just brought peace to my heart, and an answer to my prayers that the decision i made was indeed the right one. just an hour later, my mom called and told me she had good news, everything was back in place the way it originally was and we were good to go.


boyyyyy was that a good day, and boyyyy did that goodness go away real quick.


tuesday, april 17th i was all packed up, saying my final goodbyes as i walked out of the dorms. i got to my sisters house up y mountain, and was left alone in the house as she went to work. i had been having a particularly emotional day, saying goodbyes, having the stress loom over me for a paper i had to hurry and get done before i left for mexico, and other little things, so when my mom called me and said she had bad news, and the bad news was that the hospital wasn't contracted, and they were refusing to negotiate anything with me, i couldn't help but just cry. i walked into the office, got on my knee's, and just prayed that something would work out, and that He would carry me through this. my mom advised me to start looking into surgeons down in Arizona, but that had no appeal to me, because i felt so strongly about getting it done with Dr. R, and i knew i'd run the risk of having to possibly take a semester off in the fall due to starting the process all over again pursuing surgeons, being on their schedule, and the actual process of healing.


i went to mexico, and decided i would leave all my cares back in the states and would figure everything out when we got home. i was a little stressed, because everyone kept asking me about the surgery and i didnt have the answers myself. i was suppose to be headed back to utah on monday, but the hospital& insurance were all saying one thing, while the other was saying another. i decided to stay home, and trust that as i continually prayed,  things would work out.


well, to sum up the next few days, my amazing mother spent probably a total of 10 million hours back and forth on the phone with the hospital and insurance. i did my part calling the hospital, Dr. R's office, and  a couple surgeons offices in arizona, because it was looking like that was what was going to happen. both surgeons told me they wouldnt do the procedure, and i became even less hopeful. i was confused as to why i would be so confident in a decision, and get an answer twice, only for things to fall a part.. but mama corina pressed on with her persistence because i refused to give up myself. on wednesday, my mom called me to tell me that SOMEONE MISLED US and the hospital really was contracted! but dont worry, only an hour or so later, we got another call saying it wasn't, so we were back to square one. holy cow, talk about emotionally exhausting.


at this point, i just decided that whatever happens, no matter how much I HAVE TO PAY, im doing it. later that day, i went to pick up my mama from work, and as Dr. Beck stopped to say bye and wish me luck, my mother decided to inform me that things we're finally back into place. i think she was so sick of telling me a different thing every other hour, that she just forgot to mention the good news. i dont know the details, but i know that whatever happens in the end, is something that has been set in stone and planned many many many years ago.


so basically to sum up everything i have learned...
i have learned that i believe in the power of prayer more than i believe in using common logic sometimes (sorry khalid.. but i told you so! now will you get baptized??)
through the whole experience, i prayed so much my knee's will probably never recover. i never got a yes or no answer, but i think the fact that i felt like i shouldnt give up on going to utah was my answer all along.
i have learned that there are many reasons as to why things happen. who knew i'd learn so many valuable lessons from getting in a car accident?
i have learned people are put into your life for specific reasons, each reason unique, but each reason valuable & extremely necessary.
i have learned that i truly will never understand the pain my Savior went through in the garden. i had an incredible moment while praying, sobbing, asking my father to please take this trial from me. literally guys, sobbing, looking up, face and clothes sopping wet, kind of sobbing. as i started talking with our father, i thought of Christ. this experience has been so very hard and painful in everyway, but the loneliness i felt through this past week does not compare in ANY WAY to my Savior's loneliness and pain. I will forever be grateful for that experience, because the Atonement became even more tangible to me.
i have learned that i seriously have thee best mother in the world. though she didnt understand why i was so emotional about everything and herself didn't see Utah as the best decision, she continued to be my advocate and fight for me. she's my rock. out of all the reasons i want to have this surgery, i think the biggest one is because i want to be a mom. i want to be able to roll around on the floor with my own kids, i want to be able to carry them when they are toddlers, i want to be able to tolerate long road trips in the car and take them places, i want to be able to still manage making dinner every night after being on my feet all day cleaning and running errands for them. i want to be able to do the chores i got off doing growing up because i had the excuse that it simply would and did make my back kill, and leave me in bed for the next day or two. i want to be the mom they deserve, and the mom my mother was to me. i love you mom!
i have learned that i am loved. throughout the week, so many people reached out to me exactly when i needed someone to, to tell me they loved me and are praying for me. and let me reassure you, half of these people don't even know that i'm getting surgery, but they do know their father in heaven, and know when they get a prompting, follow it. so thank you everyone for your prayers!!
i have learned that i seriously have something great in store for me, to be refined as much as the lord has blessed me to be from trial after trial, i know that i will be blessed to do something i love so much to do from these trials, & that is to love people, and help touch their lives from my experiences.
most importantly though,
i learned we are never alone. 
even when we don't ask for HIS presence and grace, he is there holding our hands.
i really cannot describe how alone i felt as i prayed my dang heart out, but looking back i realize i was never alone.
i still have a lot to learn.
i still have a lot to endure.
but i know that whatever complications come from the surgery on monday, whatever (hopefully less) back pain i have to bear to be a powerful mother in zion, whatever struggles are sent my way, it will all be made for my good.


so, here's to the next 1348 days.